I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
