yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
