My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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