Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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