I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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