do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Randomize
