I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
