Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
