Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
