I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Ladies don't puke and tell
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
