so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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