like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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