would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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