he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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