We won't sleep together?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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