he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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