I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
