I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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