Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
