They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
