i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
