I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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