are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
