so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
