I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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