Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
God, I missed his penis.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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