Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
