so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
