people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
