That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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