so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
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I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
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He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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