I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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