i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
