You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
