While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
