She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
