broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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