I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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