Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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