This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
