Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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