Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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