my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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