I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
