my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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