I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
