I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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