I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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