I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
