i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
