I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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