Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
