I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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