When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
