I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
