If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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