well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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