Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
