My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
