I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
